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It’s already mid-night and there is no sign of sleep coming to my eyes. I toss and turn. I cannot sleep. I don’t know why I am being so restless. I got up and look at my bed clock, its half past one. I drank the water from the bottle near my bed. It could not calm down my nerve. I got up from my bed and went to the window. Moon was signing beautifully. Cool breeze of air shrift away giving a feather kiss in my face. It felt so good. I know sleep is out of question tonight. Every time I close my eyes, today’s event comes in front of me validly.
Yesterday evening, I got an unexpected call from Aadi. I was shocked. It was first time he had called me since five year. He asked me to meet him and I agreed readily as I wanted to see how my old pal was.

He looked calm and cool as he used to be. Nothing had changed in him except he look quit grown up. We decided to go to Kapan as it was a perfect place to hangout and to catch up all the remembrance of past.

We talked about everything but nothing was said. I found out he was now a successful person and quit well known among all IT expert. I was very glad for him. Then unexpectedly he took my hands on his and looked into my eyes. I was paralyzed with shock. Then he told me things which were hampering me since he had called me yesterday.

“Aashu, I still love you. I tried to forget you and start a new life with someone else but it did not work out. No one can take your place in my heart. I don’t want you to love me but I want you to know that I will always be waiting for you. There will never be anyone in my life except you.” There was a long silence. He dropped my hand, when I did not say anything. He was staring far beyond the sky. I could see the pain in his eyes. I wanted to ease his pain but I could do nothing.

“Aashu, I know you have never taken me as your love. But what do I do. Please answer me! I have tried to hate you in these past five years but I can’t. I love you, I love you, I love you.”
I opened my mouth but nothing came. What could I say? I was taken aback when I learnt that he knew everything that had happened to me in these past five years. He left without turning back, leaving me standing there dumfolded.

I went to my bed. He still loves me! He had started to love me since we were in class five. Now it’s been ten years. Ten long years! And he still love me the same. But what has happened to me. I had not accepted his proposal ten years back also and now also I don’t know what to do. Have I become so heart less and selfish because someone whom I thought I had loved had rejected me? Am, I so stone hearted person?

I again went to the window and look towards the moon which was signing upon me. Won’t I ever be able to trust and love anyone? I know from bottom of my heart that Aadi loves me. But I am unable to accept his proposal.

I know what it felt like to be rejected. I have myself faced the cruel fact of rejection. I was devastated when my first love had crushed me. I don’t know how long it had taken me to regain myself and start a normal life. I don’t want to remember that moment. I had almost forgotten it and had started a new life. But, today’s event has brought the past pain alive. He had laugh at me in front of everyone when I had expressed my feeling to him. That laughter still rings in my ears.

After facing all those humiliation how can I trust any guy and start my life with him. Aadi will never hurt me, my mind want to accept his proposal but my heart don’t want to go with my mind. I have never thought Aadi as my life partner than also and it is still difficult for me to accept it.

I want him to start a new life but it is out of question. I can’t help it. Even if I accept his proposal we both will be helpless and miserable. I have heard someone saying “Go to that person who loves you, not to the person whom you love”. But is it true in real life situation? If I accept his proposal will we both be happy? I want some one to answer my question. I waited but except whistle of wind I hear nothing. My empty room is just staring at me. Tears rolled from my eyes. I don’t know when I felt asleep still tears rolling from my eyes….

Karishma Sitoula
winona, mn, usa

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