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A Monologue

1. Here I am, desperate, desolated, frustrated, impaired; whatever you can name a person with no hopes, nothing to lose and nothing to gain. But who am I ? , jerk who has lost his inner identity within himself, or a shadow in an imperfect figure or just a heap of flesh, whatever and whosoever I am, I am not the same person anymore. Inside me there are just some organs, still functioning just 'coz they don't want an early end. Feel my pulses, my breathe and my heart-beat- they all are still there, but grope me, my instinct and my sensation. I'm no more there. I'm not the same guy-cheerful, vivacious and efficacious, look what have changed into, a guy who no-more likes to feel the sensation of bliss, who no-more enjoys the savour of being alive 'coz everything seems fading away- my dreams, my aspiration and moreover my future and my destination.

Time changes. Yes it changes and it has changed me several times too- from a dull, boy to an energetic young teenager, from a shy boy to a lover guy and much more. But this time, time has changed and along the changes it has almost unexpectedly toppled my destiny down deserted me in a complete destitute and stranded situation where there is no way out.

Things have changed and the changes are awful. Almost every time I get what I don't expect and what I don't want. But they advent into my life and things got so awkward and astonishing that I almost find myself gasping in one moment and in second moment begging for a chance to recede and mend it once again with a favourable change. But now it's too late. Now I don't fear with advents and unexpected things any more. I don't even beg for a second moment 'coz I'm used to it. And that's why I do things that I didn't like to do, even al those bitter things that I never expected to happen in my life. Everything is so complicated and in this complication I'm trying to find a simple way to sneak deep into it. It's not 'coz I want an end maybe it's 'coz I want more, more and more and may be 'coz I deserve it as being a part of this cursed cruel world.


2 . I don't have to say, I mean it's not needed to be outspoken, You can read my face, scrutinize my situation and go deep into my eyes. You can ask those black gloomy nights which passed away in confused and restless ponding hearts. You can ask those days which underwent through all those despair and distress, that I never wanted in my life. If you really wanna know what's going on inside me, then you got to be the part of my silence, integrate yourself with the loneliness I'm leading, infact one of the disgusting creepy hell. I hope you wouldn't want to be there. That's well. I know thing's are going worst with me, what I'm doing is leading me to some kind of perilious path, and I know, afterward I wouldn't be able to return. But why am I plunging myself into it? You know things happened that were not supposed to happen and they happened despite of my consent. Soon everything went wrong, everything seemed apart from me. I saw dissatisfaction in my parent's eyes, I felt my hopes and dreams exploding and scattering into tiny pieces. I felt my eyes going blind, my ears being deaf and my limbs, immovable, overall I was paralyzed, and this disease left my mind dump with all those sorts of embarrasements.

I love to be alone, just alone and don't want thought come into my mind, because when I start thinking, it nearly drives me crazy, Things are passing by, days all worthless and moreover I can see my future ahead awaiting for my move. But I know I wouldn't make a single step, for …. I would again start dreaming, building castles on air, everything would seem so preety and in no second I would have to see them all going apart leaving my heart breaking into pieces. Disgrace, dissatisfaction and embarrassment, all at once would surmount my life and it would be so heavy that this time I might not be able to hold them any more.

By :- Ishan Buddy

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