Because I'm a guy
Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control
in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time
I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will
fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions
that we call a road service until long after hypothermia
has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know
what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us
will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything,
I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink
beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed
and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this
isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or
"tofu." For all I know these are the same thing.
And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick
up anything for which "feminine hygiene product"
is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working
I will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost,
and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone.
Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the
heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football,
though I have to make up something else when you ask,
so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother,
or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when
she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't
need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something
for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one
more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every
single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that
the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt
down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to
have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and
no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into
the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked
the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of
it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when
Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes,
I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had
his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same
day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone
visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not
find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine.
I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without
it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we
just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millenium,
I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry,
the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the
rest.
[ Back
to index ]
|