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Because I am a woman
Because I am a woman I am different from a man. We may
look like the same species, but there are different "rules"
for each of us.
Because I am a woman, I need to spend 20 minutes outlining
my lips before I put on lipstick. Even though you say
I have a big mouth, my lips are too thin. My hair is too
flat/curly/dark/light/wavy. Whatever my hair looks like,
I want it to be the opposite. My eyes are too small, and
my skin is too blotchy. Thus, all of the time I spend
in the bathroom getting ready to go out is an essential
part of my routine. I need all this makeup so that other
women will think I am naturally pretty.
Because I am a woman, I will get up at 6:30 in the morning
to go shopping if the store is having a sale. It doesn't
matter that I don't need any new clothes, they are on
SALE. Besides, I have three kinds of clothes in my closet.
There are "fat" clothes for my PMS days, "dressy"
clothes for the dancing I keep asking you to take me,
and "thin" clothes that I will never get into
again without liposuction. I will, however, keep all the
"thin" clothes, because tomorrow I am going
on a diet. Therefore I need exercise clothes too. It takes
a lot of shopping to fill up so much closet space.
Because I am a woman, I need many shoes. I need work shoes,
dress shoes, three kinds of athletic shoes, sandals, slippers,
open-toed shoes. I need high-heeled shoes, mid-heeled
shoes, low-heeled shoes, flats, and boots. I need shoes
in every color of the rainbow to match my extensive wardrobe
(see above).
Because I am a woman I will get annoyed if you come to
me and announce that there is no food in the house. In
all likelihood there is plenty of food. I am not falling
for the trick and making you a sandwich. However, I will
stand in front of my full closet and complain that I have
nothing to wear. This is not the same thing.
Because I am a woman, I will spend hours on the phone
with my friends. Even if I just saw my best friend today,
I need to call and tell her who is on Oprah. Especially
if it is Tom Cruise.
Because I am a woman I will talk about you to my friends.
We will discuss your underwear, your bathroom habits,
and your childhood. However, if you even mention my middle
name to your friends I will be angry.
Because I am a woman, I need to talk about "the relationship".
I think about "the relationship" far more than
you do. I will pick the worst possible time ( 2 minutes
left in Game 7 of the NBA playoffs) and tell you, "Honey,
we need to talk". If you ask to wait until the game
is over, you will find yourself sleeping on the couch.
Because I am a woman, I will have mood swings. PMS is
a medical condition. So, when I scream at you and call
you an SOB, and then cry and want to cuddle within an
hour, I am not crazy. I am a woman.
Because I am a woman, I have strange eating habits. I
will order only salad on our first date, and lobster after
we are married. I will buy candy bars and wash them down
with diet soda. I will put artificial sweetener in my
double mocha latte. And any food eaten while cooking does
not count as food.
Because I am a woman, I expect to have "girls night
out" once in awhile. If you want to go bowling with
the boys, I will pout and ask why you don't want to be
with me. I will then assume that there is a problem with
"the relationship" and will want to talk about
it before you leave.
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